Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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