Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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