ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
