Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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