I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
