i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize