the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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