I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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