I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
