Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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