I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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