Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
