My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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