just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
4 words: hood of his car
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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