The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
