now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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