I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
