It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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