thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
