It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
