So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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