I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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