sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
