New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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