im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do herpes really smell.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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