i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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