My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
dude. I can hear the air.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
