How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize