Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we made out on top of his cat.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She told me I should be a condom model.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Randomize
