It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I died a long time ago.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
