Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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