She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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