I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
