My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
