I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
All I want is dick and wine.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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