do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
