Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
