Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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