Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My bed smells like the plague
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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