you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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