I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
