swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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