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too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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