How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
