hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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