i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
