Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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