Who wears a wallet chain?!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
