Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
