Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
