I swear she didn't look like that last week.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
