drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Terrible idea I love it
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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