There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
