And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Who died my cat blue again?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
