i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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