tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
