I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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