Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
