i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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