maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
