I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
