I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
